she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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