So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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