I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
