We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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