I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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