I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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