dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
