My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
