Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
