True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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