Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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