i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
