I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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