wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
