How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
