Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
