I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
