Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
