when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
