Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
