remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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