i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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