guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
