I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
