Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
