Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
