So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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