i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
