i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
