Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
