The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
