She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
