no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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