I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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