Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
