i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
