you would pick up someone in the library
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
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he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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