I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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