i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
