Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
