It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
