god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
