forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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