I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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