someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
