Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
