I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
