Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sarcasm needs its own font
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
