the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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