the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
