I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
