Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
