She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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