Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
