You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
