Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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