dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
