Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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