i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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