My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
