If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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